I have many friends who have lost their parents. Some of my friends lost parents tragically and at too young an age. I know they miss their parents very much. So what I am going to say will sound so terrible that you will think I am a heartless and cruel person.
The last month, trying to help my mother figure out what to do about her living and medical conditions has been the most trying month of our relationship. My mother, once a self-reliant, fiercely independent and capable woman has morphed into a unsteady, insecure and dependent frail old woman. The motor vehicle accident seems to have changed her physically and mentally. Although she railed against moving into assisted living accommodations, she has no ability to manage daily chores and tasks. Without my help she could not have done all the little tasks that moving entails - changing and cancelling utilities, making address changes, choosing a place to live. She could never have moved physically -- she was unable to make any decisions about packing, sorting, discarding.
The sad part is that she had no concept of what had to be done - and she fixated on the smallest most insignificant details - who would want the coleslaw in her fridge, would I want her underpants that she didn't need anymore ("Are you kidding me, mom?"), what to do with three trunks filled with fabric remnants that she has saved for 30 years or more. Oh - and would I like the pantyhose that she doesn't wear anymore (used of course, just like the underpants).
It has taken us days to weed through all the stuff in her apartment. Yesterday we moved things into her new accommodation and got things unpacked for her. Today she moved in - and so starts the next phase of her life. I had always thought that she could grow old with us in our house - but the last month showed me unequivocally that that was not an option for us. I am saddened and ashamed to think that I have wanted to strangle her at least 10 times over the last few weeks. She isn't particularly grateful for what we have done - I think all the changes forced on her are making her focus on unhappy things.
The thing is that she has changed - and I have changed. And our relationship has changed. And for that I am very sad.........
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3 comments:
I think that the hard part is behind you now. All that physical labour -- the packing, the sorting, the throwing out -- it's all done. And now that you have the house to yourself, you can take some time to look after yourself. Once you feel more like the person you were on May 31st (before the accident, before she moved into your home), you can begin to start afresh with your mother. You both need time to adjust or readjust to the new circumstances. I feel certain that her (and your) sadness will ease as she settles into her new home. And you have been, and continue to be, a great daughter.
Wendy
nice and sweet enough to take care of her...that is all anyone can expect
I completely understand. My dad, now living alone because my mom has passed away, can be so quick to get angry and so irritable that my sisters and I all want to strangle him. He thinks none of us have lives to live, and should be at his beck and call.
Your old friend, Cheriemek
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